The Real Amazon Headquarters Selection Criteria

Cities, states and governors are falling all over themselves and, most likely, offering up huge quantities of our tax dollars, to lure the great malignant tumor Amazon (AMZN) to their location. Nobody really thought to dig on the “why?” Most just assumed it was because there was absolutely nobody left, including vacation visa workers, who would go to the left coast and spend more for housing than they grossed at their job.

Kim Jong-un image

Kim Jong-un

Nah. While that is true, it is not the real reason. The malignant tumor which will one day end the human race is looking to metastasis to avoid some potentially harsh radiation therapy. Yes, Kim Young Fool is foolish enough to believe that haircut is a good look. Of course others are foolish enough to believe a fake news story about him mandating all males have his hair cut.

You see, by most accounts North Korea already has rockets which could reliably reach the left coast. In fact, I even wrote a blog post about it on this very site.

Everyone who has been unfortunate enough to either have cancer or has had a close family member have cancer knows the two tools most often reached for are chemotherapy and radiation. I think we can all agree a nuclear warhead releases a tremendous amount of radiation when detonated, so . . .

This brings us to a special map.

Nuclear Reactor Map

Nuclear Reactor Map

That brings up the 50 mile radius subject. At some point I seem to remember it was a 60 mile radius, but a quick search only found a 50 mile map.

50 Mile Radius Map

50 Mile Radius Map

Let us not forget many of those blank looking states in the middle are where the ICBMS silos are located, so, while they look safe and inviting, once the mushrooms start sprouting, probably not a good place to be.

Seemingly every major city was hurling some proposal to lure Amazon, but, what happens when either China or Russia decide to join in on the side of North Korea? Well, were those cities considered major cities during the height of the Cold War? If neither country has updated their target list since then . . . probably not a good place to be.

As you can see by these various maps, the primary selection criteria should be a lesser city outside of the 50 or 60 mile radius of a nuclear power plant going up, away from hurricane damage and traditional flooding. Possibly some place like Kankakee which has lots of empty factory area, a rail line and is close to several Interstates? I mean unless people in Russia and China are into the Chicago Bears or watch old episodes of Letterman, they’ve never heard of Kankakee. True, they could have heard about it on an “Animal Stories” album, but that was about a steer getting shot in town and the T-Shirts read “Steer Clear of Kankakee.” Not the kind of story associated with an industrial or cultural mecca.

South central Indian might be an option, as long as you weren’t worried about employing Ku Klux Klan members. We’ve all seen the news reports about what recent hurricanes did to the south so you definitely want a corporate headquarters and 24×7 server farm far away from that and you probably don’t want to go as far west as Roswell. Even skipping over the ET stories, there are quite a few military bases in Arizona and New Mexico. In fact, if you are trying to avoid intense radiation therapy, you probably want to be at least 60 miles from one. Most have been there long enough to still be on the target lists generated during the Cold War.

If all of the nuke plants along the east coast weren’t a deterrent, Hurricane Sandy should still be fresh in your mind. A server farm under water and without power for a week just does not a business run.

Sears Tower image

Sears Tower

The more you look at it, you want to plop down in the middle of a corn field near an Interstate and rail line but many miles away from everything else. Perhaps in some abandoned factory town in the rust belt, but generally, if you want to ship everywhere, Illinois and Indian are the transportation hub states. Chicago already has high priced everything and that great big Sears Tower target pointing skyward. I know it officially has a different name, but until Sears goes under and officially disappears from American culture, it will still be the Sears Tower to most around the world.

Of course, if the board at Amazon has the same sized egos the board of Sears did back then, they could buy the Tower, take over the unoccupied floors while waiting for leases to expire, evicting everyone as the leases come up. Probably not too many unoccupied floors left now that United moved in though.

Nope. A corn field or abandoned factory town just keeps looking better all of the time.


Comment (1)

  1. Oliver Chase

    Interesting article and unique take on Amazon’s move from downtown Seattle. I recently visited our fair emerald of the Northwest and walked by the second most ugly building in North America. (The prize, by the way, goes to the muni building a couple hundred miles south in Portland, OR) The Amazon building, if that’s a proper term leaves me uneasy with its multiple circles and lack of linear efficiency. It is not true, however, that first-time viewers of the facility immediate search for public rest facilities. Even visitors to Seattle know no such thing exists. And hey, I like Seattle and most of its citizens, even though I’ve never seen such a young population. They definitely enjoy life. No doubt about it.

    Back to Amazon and a possible relocation to Indiana. May I point out a suspicious oval of availability along the Mississippi River, from the Indiana-Illinois heartland south to Tennessee, and northern Mississippi? As Roland points out, no nuke plants exist, because frankly very few of care about a such a pristine, unpopulated, and wholesome slice of the country.

    Oh, yeah. ALmost forgot. Planes, trains, and automobiles whisk their way along mostly deserted, federally built and maintain byways without local or international interference. UPS figured this out decades ago.

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